As a kid, I wanted to be an explorer when I grew up. I’ve come to realize that traveling to a place by yourself, where you don’t know a soul, is the closest I’ve come to that sense of adventure I craved.
“But...don’t you get lonely?”
Whenever I go on a solo trip that tends to be the first question people ask me after finding out that I’m all by my lonesome. Then, the second most commonly asked question is a variation of ‘where is your man/your husband lets you travel without him?’ Typically, shocked disbelief ensues after I mention that my husband is back at home in California. The curious asker will then shake their head and mutter something disapproving. And I just smile and say, “yeah, he’s pretty rad!”
After 15 years together, my husband is well aware of the fact that he’s married a nomad at heart and has accepted that my ability to thrive is dependent on my travels.
Now, I don’t always travel alone and I do thoroughly enjoy the trips I take with my husband and friends. The memories created from new experiences in far off lands with people I love are some of my most treasured. It’s true that in certain moments happiness is more real when shared, and I cherish my travels with others just as much as my solo trips.
Granted, each time I travel by myself, there is always a brief period of loneliness a couple of days after the excitement and jet lag wears off. It also ironically rears its head whenever I’m surrounded by groups of people. Watching the sunset along the riverbank by yourself while overhearing the laughter of friends enjoying a picnic you’re not a part of can make you realize you’re very much by yourself. Also, going out to eat at certain restaurants can be awkward AF if you’re alone. I tend to bring a book or a journal so that I’m not just staring at the patrons eating at the table next to me as I chew my food.
Fortunately, I know that if I lean into the loneliness then I will eventually break through to the other side of it. And that’s when the magic happens.
You see, there are some moments that are more impactful when experienced by oneself; reminding me that there is a clear difference between alone and lonely. This is probably a good thing to discuss since we are on the cusp of a second wave of shelter-in-place orders and most of us are completely sick of doing DIY projects, binge-watching, and baking bread as a way to pass the time and keep loneliness from creeping in.
When we’re lonely, we get caught in a playback loop of emotional isolation. We can’t see our way out of the deep hole we’ve dug in believing that we can’t enjoy our own company if it’s not in the presence of someone else. Or to put it more eloquently, being lonely makes us feel like total shit.
Being comfortably alone, however, is much less common. Most of us don’t allow enough time to pass without external distractions for us to be fully present with ourselves. It can be uncomfortable to strip away all of the layers that make up our public front and just be. What if we don’t like what we see?
I’ve found that when a person is able to make room for some quality alone time where they are fully focused on the moment at hand, they begin to cultivate a deeper relationship with themselves. I don’t mean just watching Netflix all night or browsing Instagram for hours on end. Those are forms of entertainment keeping you from yourself.
Be honest. When is the last time you spent more than 20 minutes by yourself without distraction?
When you’re by yourself and you disconnect from your phone/podcasts/social media/email/fill-in-the-blank, you create enough space for the relationship with yourself to develop. If you make this a practice you might notice your creativity will start to come out to play more. Ideas and insights that would’ve otherwise been buried by the constant bombardment of our on-demand lifestyles will finally have room to breathe.
I propose an experiment. For the next five days, go on a 20-minute walk without your phone and just observe your thoughts. Chances are you’ll be bored as hell the first few days and try to power walk as fast as you can just to get it over with. Unchain yourself from the persistent need to feel connected. If you stick with this, I bet by day five you’ll surprise yourself with the meandering and insightful path your thoughts take. You might even start to appreciate and look forward to those 20 minutes.
If you prioritize some time for yourself to just ‘be’, you can transform isolation into solitude. You create the space necessary to really get to know who you are and will inadvertently connect with your authentic self, the present moment, and those around me more fully