February 10, 2021

A tough-love junkie's guide to self-care: 3 steps for self-compassion

Usually, January is my month of momentum when I take life by the tits and make progress on all of the goals that I set during December. This time it went down a little differently than usual. The first week of January I felt stuck and unmotivated. For someone who typically earns self-worth through achievement, it was a bit of a shocker (and not in the “two in the pink, one in the stink” kind of way).

The more I tried to snap myself out of my funk, the further into it I fell. I was down for weeks and it was like some external force turned off the faucet of creativity and drive that typically fueled my days.

Although I tend to be compassionate towards others when they are in this state, being patient and empathetic towards myself is difficult. I’ve always taken a tough love, get-your-shit-together approach to pull myself out of the occasional lows. Granted this has rarely worked but old habits die hard, right?

Within the first week, I knew I needed to take a break from writing and platform building so that I could attempt to recharge. I unknowingly burnt myself out and I knew that if I forced the creative process the end result would involve launching a literary butt shuttle right into the toilet. So I attempted this crazy concept of self-compassion.

There’s an endless amount of advice on the internet for ways to practice self-care and compassion (yes, I Googled it) but most seem to involve wearing a cleansing face mask while watching Real Housewives and being spoon-fed some Rocky Road. First off, I’m tired of having masks on my face, I find the housewives annoying and I don’t believe nuts should ever be mixed with ice cream.

My go-tos typically involve traveling, spending time with friends, doing some super strenuous exercise, or being in nature. Because of pandemic restrictions and pregnancy precautions, the top three on my list were no-gos, and being in nature only took me so far. I had to come up with some new tools for the tool kit. Below are some of the surprisingly helpful state-changers that eventually got me back on track.

1. Create space.

Take a look at all the crap that is consuming your endless to-do list and procrastinate or remove anything that isn’t both urgent and important. What tasks might be nice to do, but aren’t necessary? Get rid of that shit. What tasks can you put off for a week or two? Reschedule those bitches. All that should be left on your list are things that you must do or you risk getting fired.

Now here’s the kicker, do NOT fill your new-found extra time with anything unless it excites you and makes you happy. Don’t make plans and instead just be spontaneous for a week and do whatever you feel like doing. This creates space for you to acknowledge life’s wonder and live according to your current needs.

2. Connect with close friends.

The times I feel like climbing into a dark, dank cave and committing to life as a tangly-haired hermit are the times I need human interaction the most. It seems counterintuitive but I’ve learned that the more I dread meeting up with friends or chatting with loved ones are the times I need it most. The key here is to not use this time to vent and wallow in self-pity. Instead, focus on asking questions and finding out what’s going on in your friend’s life. What are they excited about? What’s been troubling them? Be an active listener and engage in what they have to say. It’s a magical tool that gets you to stop focusing on yourself and start focusing on the shared human connection you have with this person you care about.

3. Do something outside of your comfort zone.

This might seem to contradict the whole “create space and don’t do things that you don’t want to do” step, but hear me out. When all you feel like doing is creating a blanket fort in your bed and retiring basic hygiene once and for all, you must do something to create momentum. Maybe it’s as simple as going on a hike or cleaning the house. Or maybe it involves knocking out a looming task or signing up for an online class to learn something that you’re curious about.

I usually do this step after a couple of days of creating space, when my mini-break from reality is coming to a close. It subconsciously proves that you can do something even when you don’t feel like it. Little baby steps like this have a snowball effect and kickstart forward momentum based on pride of accomplishing something you didn’t want to do.

When you’re in deep and it feels like you’ll never get back to normal, the most important thing you can do is trust. Trust that this too shall pass and that every part of life is transitory. This dark winter of emotion will be followed by spring and all will be well once again. These lows help you to appreciate the highs and are opportunities to practice finding the good even when it seems to be hidden. You may have to search a little harder, but as long as you don’t give up, you’ll find it.