October 15, 2020

The 3 Paths of Disappointment

In life, we’re guaranteed to face countless disappointments and challenges. Losing a loved one, getting laid off, being diagnosed with a terminal illness, finding out your partner was bumping uglies with someone else...Bad things are inevitable. It’s simply part of the gig and as long as we’re still alive and kickin’, life will eventually drop a colossal steamy crap on our chest at the most inopportune time, sending us scrambling to recover.

Aren’t you glad you decided to read this uplifting article?

Since we know life is full of difficulties, we might as well learn some ways to cope that are slightly more productive than getting super sauced, cranking up Adele, and ugly crying into a pint of mint chocolate. What if we came up with a way to accept the hard times and, dare I say, appreciate them?

Most of us handle disappointment in three different ways.

Some of us expect it and try to prepare for it, avoiding any escalation in our hopes so that it doesn’t hurt as much if the worst case happens. Maybe you got an interview set up with your dream job and you start to let the excitement get to your head. You immediately slow your roll. You think, “I haven’t even gotten the job yet, don’t jinx it! For all I know I’ll blow it.” Have you considered that the doubt you use to stifle your excitement could be partially responsible should the bad thing happen? We tend to get what we focus on, so you might as well focus on things going right. Most importantly though, if we try to mute joy in an attempt to prevent pain, we end up muting life. To feel fully is to live fully.

The second and most common way people tend to handle disappointment is by fighting with reality and placing blame anywhere they can. We are in disbelief that the shitty thing happened so we simultaneously resist it while blaming life/other people/ourselves for it happening to us. This is a dangerous response because it enforces a false belief that we are a victim of circumstance and have no control over life or our reaction to it. The more painful the disappointment, the more likely that we’ll question our ability to overcome. “Why does this always happen to me? I don’t deserve this! Nothing ever goes my way.” A soundtrack of helplessness loops on repeat in our mind.

Holding onto pain long enough transforms it into suffering and if severe enough, begins to define us. We associate our problems with who we are as a way to feel significant. This is incredibly destructive and keeps us blind to the hidden gifts and lessons that are present in every challenge we ever face.

You see, we all experience pain, but suffering is a choice. The amount of time we choose to hang on to a disappointment and let it torture us is entirely up to us. When we fall into the trap of victimhood we become blind to the opportunities and guidance within the chaos. If we are accountable for our mindset, our attitude, our effort–then we can redefine the impact that something has on our life.

With enough time and reflection, we can see that the difficult situation led us to something greater. We have the ability to speed up the amount of time it takes for us to see the difficulties as part of the journey that takes us from where we are to where we are destined to go.

What if we made it a habit to reduce the time it takes to see something as happening for us instead of to us?

This leads to the least practiced and final response to disappointment. When bad things happen we have a choice: we can let it crush us or drive us. The discomfort that comes from pain is like a little fire burning under our ass. Most will complain about the fire and feel like they are condemned to forever endure burn marks on their buttcheeks.

There are others, however, who will use that fire to learn and change. The fire lights something within them. It sparks a sense of drive. They accept the flame as a challenge to rise up to and overcome. Muting, blaming, or resisting the ass fire doesn’t stop it from burning. Only accepting it as a reality and taking action does.

2020 has been a year full of disappointments, problems, and unexpected setbacks. We couldn’t have predicted the raging shit storm that we’ve endured. We’ve never experienced life like this before and we are on new terrain. This can feel unsettling and overwhelming. It’s October now and as COVID continues to dictate life as we know it, we can safely assume more uncertainty is in store for us in the months to come.

What if instead of just calling 2020 a wash, we decide to let it spark something within us? What if instead of blaming quarantine, the economy, environmental destruction, fill-in-the-blank, we decide to own our reaction?

Let’s commit to actively searching for the lesson, the gift, the good, or the humor, and let it drive us further on our path. Let’s resolve to rise up and overcome, take responsibility for our mindset, and appreciate the chaos. By experiencing and accepting all aspects of life–the good, the bad, and the painful–we are fully living...And isn’t that the point?